Giving gifts with meaning

This is the time to shop for gifts for your loved ones. But apart from all the other challenges of shopping for gifts (what to buy for whom, will they like it, is it too expensive, etc.), there is another issue - meanings/messages that gifts have. Of course, a holiday gift is a great way to send that right message that you wanted to send throughout the year and couldn't but it can also present problems.

Gail writes about her husband who seems to give very expensive jewelry each year to his daughter from a previous marriage. In fact, sometimes the gift that Gail receives is less valuable than what her step-daughter receives. This has caused her a lot of mental pain and some conflict with her husband.

My first reaction was if there was anything hanky-panky going on between the two but Gail did not think so. The rule of thumb is that the price of a gift is generally directly proportional to the seriousness of the relationship. So when one gives an expensive gift (particularly an item of jewelry which has a more romantic connotation than say a digital camera) one is sending a very powerful message. For instance, I could gift an expensive cell phone to a distant friend if I know she badly needs a new cell phone and it might not mean much except that she will appreciate it. But if I buy her an item of jewelry of equal value, it sends a totally different message. But there are always exceptions and there are people who do things without thinking too much.

It seems that Gail's husband may be over-compensating for some past mistakes. For not giving them enough when they were young or there is some other guilt that he has and wants to make up for it.

I think that the best way to handle this is to have a discussion with your husband about personal finances. That way it does not get personal and he will not feel that you are attacking him or his daughters. Be objective and try to come up with a reasonable budget for gifts to family members (amount that he can spend, amount that you can spend, and amount that you both can spend). This will give him the freedom that he needs (and should get it) and also the freedom that you will have.

If your relationship with him is otherwise good, I would strongly encourage you not to make your life more difficult and spoil your relationship with him over what is something relatively small. I would be very concerned if the gifts were being given to another woman - that would be a problem.

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